DARWIN ALIEN SYMBIOTE SPECIMEN #75

Latin: communis descensus

Charles Darwin’s voyage on The Beagle allowed the scientists to collect samples and engage in field study that would lead the naturalist to produce his Evolutionary Theory. By March 1837, after returning to England from his voyage the previous year, Darwin used his Red Notebook to suggest "one species does change into another." Yet, the Red Notebook further details a troubling find from specimen collection: “Unpacked specimen, Galapogos 75, and unable to insert into developing system.” His July 1937 “B” notebook includes sketches of the branching of a single evolutionary tree, noting that is “It is absurd to talk of one animal being higher than another." Yet, the last entry of that July also suggests a theory of specimen #75: “I conclude a clinamen—the unpredictable swerve of atoms that in this case suggests possible extra-terrestrial or at least ahistorical interventions.” While Darwin never made this finding public, his notebook fell into the hands of film director Stanley Kubrick, who staged the moon landing for NASA as backup footage in case the real landing failed or proved un-filmable using directions, his Red diary indicates, dictated from “the mind of Darwin’s Specimen #75, who shares with me the deepest secrets.”

– BY DAVIS SCHNEIDERMAN

THE SPIKE PEOPLE OF EAST WESSEX

Latin: Spiciformis Populus Oriente Wessexiae

These busts are reproductions of the two famous skull-with-interior spikes excavated in the time of Cynric (534-560 C.E), as dated from the West Saxon Genealogical Regnal List. Their appearance (as explained in the Regnal List as conic-implant experiments in cranial manipulation) was used to frighten the neighboring Britons in the Battle of Beranburh (“Barberry Castle” 556) upon ritual dissection of the enemy. Their excavation from the site and the subsequent court sensation of this discovery in 1658 soon inspired Charles II—in a moment of reverse inspiration—to order the head of Oliver Cromwell excavated from Westminster Abbey, to be impaled on a 20-foot spike, where it was felled by a storm in 1685. Johnny Rotten of the punk band the Sex Pistols, was reported in Rolling Stone to have one of the skulls on his floor when composing the line “No Future” from their song “God Save the Queen.”

– BY DAVIS SCHNEIDERMAN

1) THE ABYSSINIAN MERMAID

Latin: Æthiops ad syreni

Fascinated since childhood with the condition of Sirenomelia, or Mermaid Syndrome, a rare congenital deformity in which the legs are fused together in one out of every 100,000 live births, the 18th-century Irish Naturalist and Philologist Lancea Olufson collected this specimen for his famous “caibinéad de nithe inspéise”—giving it the foreign sounding provenance “Abyssinian.” His cabinet of curiosities proved so successful that in 1852, it was shipped intact by his great granddaughter Zippora Fitzpatrick to Doctor Jay Wellborn Griffin, the British Lyceum of Natural History Archivist of Rare Oddities. 

From there, Dr. Griffin brought the specimen to New York, and, along with the fantastic Feejee Mermaid, displayed both at the Broadway Concert Hall while he delivered a series of popular lectures on the “Sirenomeliac Tendency in the Native Irish.” The specimen soon landed in the collection of P.T. Barnum, where the great showmaster counter-intuitively refused to put the item on display. In his diary of 1872, he explains: “The Feejee was a fake, and therefore fair game for the midway. Yet, the Abyssinian fish girl is real, and I didn’t want to trick the public twice by having them pay for something billed as real, which they come to see as fake, that is indeed real.”

– LANDI OLSEN

STEREO VIEWS OF MARS IN DUAL OPINIONEM MARTIIS

Curiosity, the robotic Mars Science Laboratory (MSL), was sent on a mission to Mars by NASA on November 26, 2011.  It successfully landed in Gale Crater on August 6, 2012.  It joined Opportunity, MER-B (Mars Exploration Rover – B), a robotic rover active on the planet since 2004. Launched on July 7, 2003, Opportunity landed on Mars' Meridiani Planum on January 25, 2004 at 05:05 Ground UTC (about 13:15 Mars local time), three weeks after its twin Spirit (MER-A), also part of NASA’s Mars Exploration Rover Mission, touched down on the other side of the planet.  Although the overall objectives include investigating Mars' habitability, climate and geology, the rovers have collected a variety of scientific data, some of which has been completely unexpected.

Stereo View #1 — Taken by the navigation camera on the 201 SOL (or Mars day), the images appear to reveal pyramid-like structures not visible from the orbiting Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter.  Stereography has verified what singular images cannot.  

Stereo View #2 — Taken by the navigation cameras on the 318 SOL (or Mars day), the images appear to reveal a mound of rock that is remarkably similar to the Great Sphinx of Giza, with the body of a lion, but a human head.  

Stereo View #3 — Taken by the navigation cameras on the 176 SOL (or Mars day), the images appear to show skeletal formations which possibly reveal intelligence life forms once roamed the planet.  Some researches have speculated that it even appears mining for minerals or oil has taken place at some point in recent geological time.

Stereo View #4 — The source of these images are unclear, but speculation has begun regarding the possibility that a private space exploration team has ventured to Mars prior to NASA’s Mars Exploration Rover Missions and returned with specimens found buried just below the surface of dunes on the planet. Comparative studies show remarkably human-like features.

– TIM GUTHRIE

THE PENUS OF RIBBENTROP

The Penus of Ribbentrop (oolitic limestone), now known in academic as the Woe-man of Nuremburg, is an 6’-0” high statuette of a hermaphroditic figure estimated to have been made between 24,000 and 22,000 BCE. The object was excavated in 1871 in the garden that of the later Reich Chancellery, where Adolph Hitler and Eva Braun’s bodies, after their suicide in 1945, were placed in a bomb crater and doused with gasoline. The Nazi officer who conducted the burning, Hans Obermaier, indicated that Hitler’s final request was for the figure’s penis to be place in his mouth as his body burned. Yet the presence of the Red Army and the fact that the figure was in storage near the Brandenburg Gate suggests the Furher’s request merely a gesture toward his well-documented occult beliefs. Multiple statuettes have subsequently been discovered, some as small as an inch in height.  

– BY DAVIS SCHNEIDERMAN

THE CONJUGATED VERB TWINS OF HIPPO

Latin: verbum gemini hippopotamus

take their name from St. Augustine’s City of God, which refers to a man "double in his upper, but single in his lower half—having two heads, two chests, four hands, but one body and two feet like an ordinary man.” Yet, the skull appears to date from the Moche culture of ancient Peru (circa 300 B.C.E.); the subjects’ lives remain shrouded in mystery, with the only clues available from an extensive set of Moche ceramics found as grave goods in a tomb excavated in 1963 by a cousin of famed LSD-manufacturer and Grateful Dead soundman Owsley Stanley, who, during an acid trip, envisioned the odd “the skull hit by colored lightning and in the strike unified from many words, all words, and all heads, into a great singularity—which became the ‘Steal Your Face’ logo for the Grateful Dead.”

– BY DAVIS SCHNEIDERMAN

EVOLUTIONARY

Humanity has reached a critical branch in its evolution. Through ever-evolving technology and deeply rooted egoism, humanity has the ability to participate in its own evolution and thus has the ability to desecrate all life on Earth. The Evolutionary tree of Trans-Humanist Species indicates that the outcome of human- involved evolution is demonstrably flawed and unholy as man himself.

Naturalist Charles Darwin said, “‘Evolution’ is best pictured as a big ‘ol oak tree … with plenty of roots, leaves and mighty branches.” He was crucified by the Church of England upon that same tree in 1859 A.D. In the wake of his excommunication, Darwin founded “Darwinism,” a competing faith-based religion that attempted to unlock the secrets of life and regeneration.

However, as a religion, Darwinism is not without its faults. Darwin himself was a funny little man, severely limited by his own five senses, impacted bowel and cruelly limited experience with the fairer sex. Belief in Darwinian evolution demands faith in causality, i.e. the “cause and effect” relationship. Evolution has largely been misunderstood as the effect of “a grand ‘supernatural’ design,” when in fact the true nature of God clearly indicates that evolution “is, was, and ever shall be” a series of random mistakes over time.  

– BY TROY MULLER